BI > MARCH 2003

Rediscovering Hibernation

An Open Letter To 'The Bear'

We celebrated and paid tribute to Punxsutawney Phil on these pages a couple of years ago. Phil is the groundhog that captures our attention on Groundhog Day in early February. We all know that Phil climbs out of bed, does his stretching exercises and is greeted by the glare of camera lights as the whole world watches to see if he sees his shadow. Phil has even been a guest on Carson and Letterman. It is now with regret that I realize that our acknowledgments were a tragic mistake.

Why? Because all the fuss we made over getting out of bed has apparently convinced our bear market colleague that he's a night owl.

We've been kind. We've even talked about things like bear hugs and all kinds of positive reinforcement. But the bear isn't buying it.

For some reason, the bear now disdains the very thing that most of us cherish -- a good old-fashioned nap or slumber. We have to go all the way back to 1941 to recall the last time one of his kin hung around this long. What might our NAIC co-founders have done to address the situation with Grandfather Bear Market?

An Open Letter -- The Virtues of Sleep

Dear Mr. Bear:

As our friend, you ought to know by now how hard-pressed you are to find another organization that speaks of you with respect. A few minutes watching the Wall Street media machine ought to be enough. As holiday bonuses are slashed, the topic of bear meat comes up frequently and very few nice things are mentioned. In fact, they get downright ugly and say mean things about you. That should make it easier for you to search for bearish recognition in the hallways of NAIC.

For heaven's sake, we featured you on the cover of the July 2001 issue. You were whistling -- still relatively young -- and we looked forward to the day when you would return to slumber. If envy is the problem, we've never featured Punxsutawney Phil on the cover of Better Investing.

Outside of Barron's, I can't think of many publications that are willing to feature you. I'd also argue that some of the Barron's images aren't all that flattering to beardom. How can you disagree with that?

If you are avoiding sleep because of concerns about future welcomes, we've taken care of that, too. During NAIC's national meeting in Portland last September, Cy Lynch gave a standing-room-only presentation titled, What To Do When The Bear Comes Knocking.

How much more evidence do you need? Our people love you, just so long as you don't overstay your welcome. So please don't overdo it.

Cy described the opportunities that avail themselves every time you show up. We think in terms of doing some portfolio fine-tuning and some of our colleagues recite the quotation that "bear markets are those times when stocks return to their rightful owners." What other group of investors is so accommodating?

The point is that we can't welcome you back if you don't leave for a while. Sure, we'd miss you for a few days, but we know how wonderful a good nap really can be. Perhaps you've forgotten?

I recall that Bill Cosby talks about the transition from youth to adulthood as the day when a human cub decides that taking a nap is a good idea. Remember those days back at Ursa Major University when you'd rush home from Foraging 101 to sneak a quick nap?

Remember how powerful you felt the first time you took a nap without Mom or Dad forcing you to?

And you've got some built-in advantages. Bears never have to go to the restroom at 3 a.m., even if the slumber continues for several months. You don't know how many cold winter nights I've wished that I could borrow that attribute.

Bears also lose lots of weight during hibernation -- up to 30 or 40 percent of their body weight. Lemme see -- (1) Hit the treadmill with everybody else spinning their New Year's resolutions or, (2) Take a really big nap and accomplish the same thing? It seems an easy choice.

I'll even let you leave the television on so that you don't miss any episodes of "Gentle Ben." He and Yogi are among my favorites.

If it's a shattering fear of alarm clocks, I don't like them, either. If you'll give me your alarm clock, I'll promise to take care of it and bring you coffee and donuts when it's time to return. I promise. Yes, it's OK to snore.

Mark Robertson is director of online resources and senior contributing editor for BetterInvesting. He serves as a member of BetterInvesting Magazine's Editorial Advisory & Securities Review Committee. Mark can be reached at Robertson_Mark@comcast.net.